


Saving The Devil

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Consensual Possession, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 16:21:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7179932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam is grieving and mourning over Lucifer. He soon finds out things are different though and he doesn't know how to react.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Saving The Devil

Sam is terrified, even though he can’t point out why. Lucifer is gone, Castiel is back and he should be glad about that; God is knocked out and Amara gone, but he’s not even worrying about any of them right now. The picture of Amara sucking Lucifer out of Castiel is burned into his mind, the painful expression on the angel’s face is something he will never forget. Something weird is happening with him, something he can’t define.

When Dean is finally done worrying about Castiel, at least for now, Sam helps him to put God onto the couch so he can rest. After that he tells Dean he’ll do some research on what to do now, but in reality he just wants to leave. Dean just nods, not even realizing what state his brother is in. Somehow Sam is glad about that…

He barely realizes how he locks the door when he’s finally in his room, he can’t even see where he’s going anymore. He suddenly feels so… _empty_. As if something had been ripped out of him and he doesn’t know what it is. It must be exhaustion, he tells himself, even though he knows it isn’t. It’s something else.

Why isn’t he glad? Why can’t he be relieved to have his friend back, to not be dead? Why can’t he be glad that Lucifer is gone?

_Because Lucifer is **gone**._

Sam shakes his head, trying to push this confusing thought back where it came from, but he knows deep inside that this is exactly the reason he’s feeling so miserable right now. It’s the pain he saw on Castiel’s face, which wasn’t his at all when Amara did whatever she did to get Lucifer out. It’s the scream he heard in his own head in this very moment; a scream no one else heard and that was the most horrible sound he ever heard. The sound of someone _dying_.

Could she really kill him as easy as that? One of the archangels who banished her once? Sam doesn’t know, but this empty feeling tells him that she did. He closes his eyes and tries to calm himself down, to not think about what happened; to not mourn the death of the one that possessed his friend and caused them so much trouble. It’s impossible.

“Lucifer is dead.” He whispers, voice barely audible. Speaking these words out loud, by himself, give them a weight he didn’t think they had before. Sam feels his legs shaking, his whole body is trembling when he fails to fight the urge to break down and just cry.

Sam slides down the door, pulling his knees towards him and simply gives into it. He can’t stop the sobs and tears, he can’t stop his chest from aching worse than ever before. He is dead, he really is. Not just in the cage, no. Gone. Vanished. Poof. No, he can’t stop this and he doesn’t even want to anymore.

Finally, after all these years, Sam understands the words Lucifer spoke when he possessed him. Understands why it didn’t hurt back then, why it felt right. The realization is like a slap in the face and his sobs become even worse.

_Two halves made whole._

One half left to live, left to exist when the other half is gone forever. This is the emptiness inside him. This is why it feels like he’s ripped apart. Without Lucifer he’s not complete. It wasn’t like this when he was in the cage, it wasn’t like this before he freed him. But now it is and it can only mean one thing.

“He will never come back.”

Sam doesn’t care about the world or God and his stupid tantrum throwing sister anymore. He doesn’t care that Castiel is back and that Dean needs him to settle this. In this moment all he wants to do is die and end this horrible feeling. He can’t live like this, it’s not possible. He already _feels_ like he’s dying and how can he possibly live with this for the rest of his life?

“Lucifer…” Sam whispers, prays to the angel that is gone now. “I should have said yes, I should have let you out myself. Yes, okay? Yes! Yes! A million times yes! I’m so sorry!” He’s crying his pain out, the words useless as his pain is, but he still has to say them because the regret and grief is eating him alive. “I never wanted you to die! I just wanted you to stop back then, to stop this madness we were in… I… I…” sobs and tears cut his words off, the lump in his throat now so bad that even breathing seems impossible. “I can’t live like this…”

_“Sam.”_

His breath hitches for a moment, the tears stopping their endless fall. This voice… this can’t be. It hurts just thinking about the chance that this voice might be real. Sam buries his head under his arms again and wishes with all his might that it would just stop, that this horrible feeling would just go away.

_“Sam.”_

“Go away!” Sam cries and shakes his head desperately. “You’re not real!”

This is torture! Why can’t this voice leave him alone? Isn’t it enough that he feels like he’s dying, does his mind have to play tricks on him now too?

_“Sam, listen to me.”_

He doesn’t want to listen anymore.

“Go away!”

_“Will you stop crying and listen now?”_

At these words, their tone almost angry and cocky, Sam _really_ stops crying. He looks up and what he sees makes him swallow heavily. In front of him, kneeling on the floor, is _Lucifer_. Memories flash back into his mind, memories of a different hallucination with the same face, one that made his life a living hell. He pushes himself back, even though the door prevents him from moving an inch. It’s pure horror he feels.

“You’re not real.” He whispers.

“I’m very real, Sam.” Lucifer says, calm, soothing. He looks sad and broken, not at all how Sam remembers his hallucination. But even the words are almost the same… this can’t be.

“Not again, please… not again.” Sam begs, fresh tears filling his eyes now. “I can’t do this again…”

“Sam, please. Will you listen? I’m not something your mind made up, I’m real.”

“You can’t be real! I saw you dying, I _felt_ it!”

“I know.” Lucifer sighs. He looks away from Sam, who’s shaking by now. “But I’m still… here. Because of you.”

“No, you’re not here!” Sam presses his eyes close and tries to force this hallucination away. He instinctively presses the old scar in his palm and shakes his head. “You’re dead! This is just my head!”

“I’m not dead, Sam. I don’t even know where I am.”

“Then go! Torture someone else, I did my time!”

Suddenly something inside of Sam moves, tucks on his nerves. It’s a feeling he knew once, but much less intense now. But this can’t be. How could it be? He didn’t say yes… or did he?

“Sam, please look at me.”

There’s a touch on Sam’s cheek, soft and caring, but it doesn’t feel like a real touch. More like… the brush of a feather or a cold blow. He tries to resist looking up, tries so hard – and fails. When he does he sees sad blue eyes and just… _him_.

“How can you be real?” He asks weakly, not bothering with his tears anymore. “I saw you die… I saw you like this before and it was the price I paid for getting my soul back. How can I believe you?”

“You know it. You feel me, don’t you?”

Without wanting it, Sam nods. He _can_ feel him. Weak, not as powerful as the last time, but he can feel Lucifer inside him. In his nerves and in his head, mostly the latter. He wants to run away, but what use would it have? Outrunning Lucifer proved useless in the past already. Eventually, Sam just sighs.

“I would never leave you, Sam. I’m weak, I don’t have a vessel… I was just… floating around when I heard you.”

“You… heard me?” Sam blinks confused.

“You prayed to me, Sam. And you said the most beautiful word in existence.”

“Yes…” Sam whispers when it dawns on him. He said yes. He prayed to Lucifer and said yes and wherever he was, wherever he was floating around; he heard him. “I said yes.” He says, a little louder.

“You saved me, Sam.” Lucifer looks glad, but it’s hard to tell. Whatever this is or why Sam can actually see him now, it costs him a lot of his strength. “I would have died if it wasn’t for your consent.”

“But… why? Couldn’t you find someone else?”

“Amara weakened me, a lot. I can’t exist like this for long outside of heaven or hell and they are both locked for me.” Lucifer explains. This vision, or whatever it is, of him is flickering slightly. “When you said yes you saved me from simply stop existing.”

“So it’s true. You possess me.”

Lucifer nods, without giving him a verbal answer. Sam feels torn somehow, but the fear from the last time this happened isn’t there. This empty feeling is less painful, as if Lucifer’s presence alone soothes it. Maybe it’s his existence, Sam thinks to himself. When he was nothing but his grace in the void, Lucifer wasn’t really alive. He was in some sort of Limbo. Now that he is _in_ Sam he _is_ alive again, somehow.

“I’m sorry, Sam. I know this isn’t what you wanted when you said that…”

“No, that’s… okay.” Sam’s head feels dizzy; this is just too much for one day. “I think I’ll lay down a bit.”

Sam drags himself up slowly, from the corner of his eyes he sees Lucifer standing up too. He looks worried.

“I’m not lying to you, Sam. I didn’t want this to happen.”

“I know, Lucifer. It’s fine.” Sam says and smiles weakly as he lays down on his bed and curls up. Lucifer walks over to him and kneels down again, almost as if he needs Sam to see him.

“I will leave as soon as I’m strong enough to find a new vessel.” Lucifer promises him, but Sam shakes his head. He doesn’t even know why, but he _doesn’t_ want Lucifer to leave for some reason.

“Just let me sleep a little… we will figure out what to do tomorrow.”

Sam’s eyes fall shut when he suddenly feels a hand covering his own, again a touch that almost isn’t there. He smiles again and looks back at Lucifer. The last time he thought Lucifer was real too and it gave the hallucination power. This time, however, Lucifer seems much less intimidating. He’s not a hallucination… he’s real. And he’s alive.

“Thank you, Sam.”

Sam smiles and closes his eyes again, already drifting away. His mind won’t keep him up any longer. Before he falls asleep completely he whispers again, now finally believing the words he speaks.

“You’re alive… my other half… alive…”


End file.
